Today Sucks.

Today really sucks. Today was the day Carlos was supposed to be here but he's not because of his oh so lovely mother. His mother made me cancel the ticket that my mom bought for him back in February because she didn't like the date. So now it's completely up to her when he gets to come out. So I have no idea when he's coming out here, if he's coming out at all. My boyfriend isn't very headstrong so he is scared to stand up to her. -sigh- I just want him here. Is that too much to ask for?

16 days.

In 16 days Carlos will be here... or so I hope. I am going to be so edgy and paranoid because today is when I find out if the countdown continues as normal, have to redo the countdown or cancel the countdown completely. -sigh- I just want to meet him.... I hate all this drama and crap over all of this. :/

Nearing 6 months

I can remember when this first started... the ridiculous speech I had planned out, the days I spent debating on "is this a good idea? will he hurt me? can I trust him?" and various other panicked thoughts... In the end though, I went to ask and without a speech beginning he said yes... so, like a dork, I demanded that I be allowed to give the speech anyways... Basically it consisted of "I know this will be difficult, but I think that if we never try then we will never know and there will always be that "what if" factor looming in our futures when we get angry and upset and whatever wondering how different things would have been had we given this a chance... We deserve a chance...blablablah" and I honestly included the blahs... purely because the seriousness of the conversation made me squirm and uncomfortable and I needed something to balance it out for me. Something that he would understand and yet somehow not be bothered because of. I spent a good hour almost listing the reasons why we needed this and he laughed and took it all in and still reminded me that he said yes before my speech therefore making my speech completely unnecessary. I look back now and I don't think the speech was really for HIM, but more for me... I mean, as I mentioned in previous blogs, this is not my first trip down LDR Way and I had to do more convincing than I thought possible at that time. I was freshly out of a five year relationship and I was completely heals over head for this guy... I couldn't let it pass me by. Gotta do what you gotta do.

Here we are, nearing six months later, and while there have been a few times that I just wanted to scream and cry... never once did I fully want to tell him I couldn't do this, it isn't working, this isn't worth it to me anymore, or anything like that... I never thought it... I never said it... I hope I never do at this point. Granted, he freaked out because things were becoming too realistic and less "oh just some girl I like on another continent" and more "I'm in love with her and hate going a day without talking to her" so he thought this wasn't what he was ready for in this point of his life and his career and whatnot, so he tried to cut it off and jump ship while he still thought he could... turned out he couldn't, four days of trying to convince himself he was fine without me and he was coming back and apologizing profusely... Since then, its been a flood gate opened of "this is me" from him and I stumble a little but I hold my ground, I love him with all my heart.

The first meeting and month long visit will happen in exactly 55 days. TONS of pictures and videos will be pouring into this blog when all of that happens, especially that first meeting video. The idea of his touch leaves me breathless and I'm so excited that he will be here for as long as he will. I just thought I would give an update as to how things are going and where we are and whats going on... there you have it.

Tiffinnie - The good, the bad, and the avoided?

I've been avoided. I'm BEING avoided.  I know this isn't something that is wrong with me... something I said or did... but I am not liking that out of no where I'm being avoided... if I don't hear from him today, it will be 3 days since I talked to him. I know this doesn't sound like a big deal to some people but we are used to talking all day every day... I like the space but why is it that he's reading my messages and not responding?

Another thing is that he was gone on Valentine's day... out of town for work I guess... and he went out of town all weekend this last weekend... and came back on Sunday night / Monday morning... and then has been avoiding me for the last three days which means uhh I talked to him Monday when he got back and that was pretty much it. He has been making himself sick... he is over worked, stressed, and its driving me absolutely insane! No time to talk to me, no time to breathe or eat or sleep...

What the hell do I do?! I hate feeling like this is my fault. Nothing is going on that he would need to avoid me because of... I mean if he needs a few days "away" from me, then I can accept it easier if he would just TELL ME instead of allowing me to realize that he is avoiding me and not responding to my emails or offline msgs or anything like that... Avoiding talking to someone isn't the best idea if you plan to keep that person happy with your existence... I mean seriously... WTF!

June 14th.

June 14th is when I will finally be in the arms of my boyfriend. It will be our first meeting. The perk though? He's not leaving. He's staying in WA. My mother is buying his ticket in exchange for me not going to Las Vegas with her and my stepdad in October. He will be living with me and my parents. I know, living together right away like this will probably put some stress on the relationship and be awkward and take some adjusting but it will be worth it. I'm only young once. Gotta take risks in life you know? He's going to start college here after a year of living here so that he can get resident rates. He is going to try and find a job within the first 3 months because once he has a job my parents are going to charge him rent. He will have his own room in my parents house. It's right next to my room. Anyways, The ticket is bought. His flight leaves Chicago Midway International Airport at 9:20 AM (7:20 AM my time), lands in Kansas City at 10:45 AM (8:45 AM my time) to change planes. The plane leave Kansas City to head to Seattle at 11:50 AM (9:50 AM my time), and will finally land in Seattle at 1:45 PM. Thankfully the quarter at my school will be done with so I won't have to worry about missing school to pick him up. This is really exciting for me and him. My parents are excited too. His parents? Not so excited. They are gonna fight him to make him stay. But they can't force him. They will try. Oh will they try. But it will fail. Miserably. 

Tiffinnie - To make me feel better.

I got my wisdom teeth pulled and I've been in a really horrible funk of some sort lately but I woke up to this amazingly adorable video msg from the boyfriend. *watches it over and over* I love it. Had to share

Jamie - Promise.

[2/3/2011 7:06:09 PM] Jamie McClure: Those three promises i made? I wont break them. When you arrive here, I will let you hug me as long as you want. and then when you wanna kiss me that can last as long as you want and I will also grab your hand and hold it tight and walk next to you proudly <3
[2/3/2011 7:06:47 PM] ReCrisis: promise? =3
[2/3/2011 7:06:51 PM] Jamie McClure: Yes =3

This might sound really silly to some of you and it sort of is but to me and him that promise means alot. For him, me saying that shows that I truly want him to be my boyfriend and I wouldn't have any other way. Also, this is a big deal for me because I've never been kissed by a guy or hugged by a guy for that matter. It would be both of ours very very first kiss. This is what cheered him up also on Thursday because he thought I was disappointed that he is my boyfriend and I said no, I am proud that he is my boyfriend and I would do those three things to prove to everyone that he's mine and I wouldn't have it any other way <3